Money   

(Deep breath. In through the nose, out through the mouth)

Does the word “money” invoke anxiety like it does for me?(Deep breath. It’s just a word. It has no power)

 

That word gives me the willies. Funny how a word can make you feel like you’re drowning. I hear that word, and it makes me shudder. How does it have such power over me? Where did this anxiety come from?

 

I think back to years ago when I was a young 19 year old, moving out of my parents' house, wanting to try life on my own. I was in school full time. I had a full time job making a whopping $8/hour (it was a LONG time ago), but I was determined to make it on my own. My sweet little bachelor suite was just enough for me, and it was $600/month rent. $600!!! At age 19 making $8/hour, it was so......much.....money. There were many times I didn't have enough money for food, so I'd take my laundry to my parents' house to wash my clothes and have a mom-made-meal. My fridge was often empty, but somehow I didn't starve. (Thanks Mom and Dad!) 

 

Maybe that's when these big feelings about money started - when my $1200/month from Pizza Hut landed in the bank and $600 went to rent, my brand new super cute red Honda Civic that was $177.01 every 2 weeks, and the tiny bit that was left but didn't stay in the bank long - maybe that's when the mindset of scarcity was learned. 

 

Or maybe it was earlier. Maybe it's when I was younger and I thought we were poor even though my brother and I always had everything we needed, we were never without anything, we went on many trips to Disney and learned to sing & dance in performing arts. Maybe I learned something in my young years that is heavily imprinted on me now and drives my panic attacks & fits of anxiety, even though I have plenty. 

 

Money is definitely messy. 

 

Stay tuned for more musings......